Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
