Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
