Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
