It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
