I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
