jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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