Just mADE A PArabola og urine
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Randomize
