you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
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