I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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