I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
