i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
she woke up with a sticky ear
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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