so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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