It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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