It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
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You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
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I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
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