I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
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