Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
