just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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