I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
