You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
