did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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