the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
is that a dick in a sweater?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
