do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
