Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
