when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
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