a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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