How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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