I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
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I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
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You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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