I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I have aggressive nipples.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
