we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
