if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
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