as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
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I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
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Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
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