I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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