next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
