DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
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Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
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So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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