I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
