My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
