The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
