I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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