i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
