you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
do nipples grow back?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
