He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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