No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
