I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
