my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
