Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
