Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
