found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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