I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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