Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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