I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
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I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
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I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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