Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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