forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Randomize
