she kept yelling 'call me bella'
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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