I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize