I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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