I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I am naked and annoyed.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Randomize
